i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
