do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
