even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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