i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize