She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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