The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
