I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
