I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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