how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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