Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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