remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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