HIV tests are more positive than that guy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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