i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize