I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
