whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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