I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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