Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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