If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
