I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
