bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
