And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
