My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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