Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize