please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
