hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you had me at cake vodka
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize