you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
