honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
