she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
