Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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