so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize