plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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