I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
