On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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