There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
