Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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