Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
