Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
