Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
