I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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