i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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