They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
