Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
