I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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