we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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