you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
sarcasm needs its own font
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
