I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
