Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
