1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
