Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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