Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
