im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
me + whiskey = a bad person
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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