fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
