I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
