I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
