3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
no, he came in my armpit
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
