You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
