I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
