OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
