From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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