I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
