It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
