Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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