That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
How naked do you want me to be?
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