If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
