I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
