i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize