I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
