clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
