Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
