He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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